Ghosts of the Past

I know it's been a while, life changes, self examination becomes excruciating - but sometimes we find ourselves returning to what we know, or do we? Pause for thought.I think in the last 10 months I've been through yet another intense, emotionally crippling relationship, and I'm not over it, not by a long shot (hence my silence), but then again, I'm not over the relationship I was in two years ago.

Melbourne is such a strange place - it's 2 degrees of separation, not 6. But what has me really, really shocked at the moment, is the differences between the way men and women's neural processes work. It's hard to be objective here, but the story so far... I've recently reactivated on of my dating site profiles. Much more cautious now, I don't have a face picture on my public profile, just a an obscure body shot, slightly revealing, but rather coy non-the-less. Imagine my shock when contacted by The Liar last night. More shocking, he apparently has no idea who I am. And moreover, I'm shocked at how devastating I find this. It's almost incomprehensible to me. And I find myself back in that agonised. fetal ball I was a couple of years ago, unable to breathe or think properly. This is where the neural processing comes in - I would know him at a glance, face picture or not, I know the dimensions and shapes, planes and contours of his body better than I know my own. My last relationship always felt slightly wrong because I always did an unconscious shift when we went to bed, purely because his body wasn't the one I was anticipating. In the film I saw last night was a character who cannot get over her former boyfriend and his death - her new man entreats her to "pretend I am him". It's a horrible, confronting thought, but there's only really been one person since that I haven't had to do that with. Some 28 months since the last time I saw him, I could pick him out anywhere. Men apparently, don't remember the bodies of their lovers. And yet, they are the one's who are meant to be more visually stimulated - look at porn for instance. Men apparently remember faces and eyes. Especially eyes. I surveyed some of the guys I've been in contact with, posing my rather odd question - all of them told me they would not recognise the body of a former lover without a face attached.

This, paraphrasing the words of a friend, has made my world tilt. Is this really true? How does someone who held me so tightly while sleeping, and knew me so intimately forget that? The thing that gets me is, what I'm wearing in the photo was seen again and again by him, and so was my tattoo. It's fairly distinctive, and unique. I had that tattoo done six months into our relationship.  Is he that emotionally retarded, or just stupid? Playing games? As my housemate said, at least his taste in women is true to type. Small consolation.
I don't know whether to run, or pretend I don't know him. I don't know whether to respond or not. Play innocent and subtley find the answers to all my heretofore unanswered questions? His profile says he's in another location, which makes sense work-wise, and that he's divorced. When did that happen?

In all, excruciating honesty, I know I need to walk away. The head is sensible. Sometimes. I also know this could end in disaster. Again. To be honest, it hurts deeply to know he has no clue as to who I am. It hurts to know he would pull all contact if he did know. It's an entrancing, seductive, destructive piece of heads pace to be in. I've spent the last two and a quarter years trying to fill the gap he left with others so very similar to him, it's driven me crazy at times. Dangerous games. And I know games are unacceptable. My recent experience has been so filled with manipulation and deception I've been so badly hurt by, but if I'm realistic, I was pursuing the dream I had with the Liar, and wearing blinkers to avoid the awful reality that one cannot go back, one cannot recapture what is lost, and it would be foolish to try.