Forgive the rambling of this particular post - it's been an eternity! Or so it seems.
The gap is due to a particular physical impairment, being confined to home for pretty much the past two weeks - and a developing fragile chrysalis of a relationship I am finding myself reluctant to expose to anyone other than myself..He's so open and honest - not at all what I am used to.And he holds a mirror up to me, some of what is reflected is familiar and I like and love, some however, is completely foreign to me - enlightening and frightening.
On Monday I spent several hours at a clinic in one of the larger inner-city hospitals in Melbourne.Waiting to see the surgeons, there was plenty of time to think. I realised, if I added up all of the hours spent waiting to see doctors and in hospitals, it would literally add up to months of my life, and the majority of them, alone. Most of my fellow patients were not. Alone that is. I've always been comfortable with my own company. And the endless hours in waiting rooms are probably a huge contributing factor. I can count on one hand (and have fingers left over). My former husband was never good with waiting - if not aggressively berating medical professionals, he would sit and twitch and moan about wanting to got to the pub - on one occasion suggesting that he do that, and I call him when I finished. I sent him to the pub and didn't bother letting him know when I was done. Then again, what did I expect? This is a man who erupted when I told him my brain surgery had been finally scheduled with a "How can they do this to me?!"Sweetheart, they weren't doing it to you, it was, actually about me... so I took the train and the tram to the hospital by myself the next day, and checked myself in. Likewise the time I had food poisoning - he watched me being loaded into an ambulance , and then, went to... work. I had to call my father to collect me the next day from the hospital. The Liar came with me to an appointment - I was shocked. But he also fidgeted and kept muttering about picking his daughter up. So is it easier to wait alone, or with someone? Both. I had time to analyse this on Monday. When I'm scared, and worried, yes, I would give anything to have someone patient there to hold my hand, but if they're going to twitch and fidget and moan? No thanks. So is that what I'm looking for online? Someone who will sit with me in waiting rooms? Not really. But someone I can rely on to support me and give me some strength when I am so distracted I'm lacking? Hell yes. One of the things that irked me on Monday was that I received texts from three men I'd been on dates with - two of whom I had told I was seeing someone and couldn't date them other than in the realms of friendship. They were all sending me their best wished for the appointment. But nothing from the one I am hoping will become more. I was wounded. And not very sensible.
The mirror he holds up has taken me further in a few days than I've been able to do on my own in a year. And that keeping someone in my heart and my head is keeping me from letting anyone else in. I couldn't understand why de riguer stopped contacting me - the hurt of that, perhaps reflected in the fact that there was always a third person with us - and that I need to let that go.
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